MMA is the shit. Every time we watch a competition, it’s to scratch some primitive itch left over from cave dude times. We want to see what person or group of people is better at smashing another person or group. We literally get that with MMA and it’s couple with back story straight out of Best of the Best. It’s intriguing as fuck. But for you chumps that can’t get pumped the shit up, I’ve constructed this last minute post to make it clear why you should be pumped the shit up.

                            Rest in peace, Travis

<strong><font SIZE=”2″> TITO ORTIZ VS. FORREST GRIFFIN</strong></font>

We Have A Podcast (sorta)!

Posted: March 4, 2011 in Uncategorized

Hello dedicated fans and enemies.

We(I) have a podcast(sorta). It’s just on youtube right now. Once I get the hang of the shit I’ll submit it to iTunes…and then….the world!

Check it out: HERE!! to hear the sultry tones of my voice, bitching about useless bullshit. Do it.




Welcome back, friends.

As I was racking my brain (I honestly just searched for ‘is it wrack or rack?’ Results were inconclusive.) trying to think of new delicious content for my loyal fans (6 people have viewed this blog) to ingest, I asked myself “Mitch! What are you great at? Making poor diet decisions!”. Lucky for you, I recognize they’re bad decisions and I do it anyway. So by way of a bad example, I can give you tips on dieting!


Tip One!

Have you ever been enjoying a meal and you’re on God knows what helping and your pants get a little tight (Disregard any food boners)? So what do you do? You get up, put on looser pants, and you dive gullet first back into your bowl of cured meats and gravy. This brings us to tip number one. If you have to change your pants to continue eating, Stop Eating.

Where the FUCK is the Panda Express?


Tip B

This is something I’ve done, caught myself halfway through it, and said fuck it and did it anyway. You pop something in the microwave (Not even the oven. It’s not gonna take that long) and while you wait for the clock to slooooooowly tick down from the unreasonable 2 minutes that the side of the frozen burrito recommends, you make a snack. Some part of my brain says its cool to make a roast beef and 3rd Degree Burn Dorito sandwich on a hot dog bun while I wait for my frozen burrito to cook FOR TWO MINUTES! The tip is, you don’t need food to hold you over while you wait for a microwave. I know this sounds like common sense BUT YOU CAN’T ARGUE WITH RESULTS(results are inconclusive)!

Put This Goddamned Shit In Your Face! I Dare You!


And lastly but not last….

You know what’s garbage to eat. No vending machines. No sodas. Don’t order any food that you don’t actually have to turn your car off and stand up to eat. Common sense. Don’t listen to your brain when it says “Just ONE Jalapeno Popper sandwich with cheese sauce on the side couldn’t hurt.” You’ll tremble with the DT’s for a week and the satisfying sound of your spare tire screaming “DAMN YOU TO HELL!” is enough to pull you through. Now go take a dump and forget you ever read this.

This holiday season I think it’s important to count our blessings and I witnessed something a few weeks back that made me believe in miracles.

The universe placed me in Wal Mart one lazy afternoon when I saw a “fight” of sorts. It was two brothers fighting in the checkout lane with snacks flying everywhere. What made this so special was that these kids were quite fat. They looked like miniature Brian Dennehys. If I saw something like this on TV I’d call it kitschy and contrived. “No way this would actually happen in real life! I call bunk!” I would surely exclaim to myself. I didn’t think it could get any better…but wait!

"Yeah, that's about right."

The battle of wills between the two seemed to be coming to an anticlimactic end, as the mother of these behemoths finished wedging a mouthful of Funyuns into her stomach and looked to be playing with the idea of parenting. My patience paid off when the Alpha Chub of the two used a tactic that only one with the most agile of girth can accomplish. He thrust his gut into the gut of the other, bouncing him off of a rack of delicious crunchy treats. Shocked and defeated, the belly bumpee slunk down by the tiny lint rollers and Salted Nut Rolls as the belly bumper furrowed his chubby little brow, and cocked his doughy fist back, waiting for the next move.

Fat kids brawling in between two snack racks, with the classic belly bump as the finishing move. Miracles happen. Happy holidays.

Brainmush: The Returnening!

Posted: October 10, 2010 in Uncategorized

Hello public,
After a lengthy hiatus, I’ve decided to return and regale you all with entries involving my interests.
Give it a read.
Spread the word.


Smile pretty. No? courtesy of TMZ

Smile pretty. No? courtesy of TMZ

War Machine (yes that’s his legal name)  already trashed his career. After making ridiculous comments about Evan Tanner’s death on his MySpace blog and refusing to fight Brandon Wolff (who Ben Saunders absolutely trounced), he was booted from the UFC. Then, surprisingly, he found work with Bellator Fighting Championships but the people just kept demanding more insightful posts! I mean with the election happening, who better to sort out this political shit storm than Mr. Machine. Long story short, he made some dumbass comments about President Obama (mainly that someone should “smoke” him) and then he was put out on his ass yet again. So what’s a War Machine to do? Hit up a gay club of course. War Machine decided to hit up a “straight friendly” gay club and ended up swinging at security after being escorted out for being a stupid person. Let’s go ahead and break everything down.

* Legally changed his name to War Machine so he could keep his nickname in the UFC. Was soon after fired.
* Made incredibly stupid assumptions about Evan Tanner, a man who left greater things than Koppenhaver floating in a toilet.
* Refused to fight Brandon Wolff because he thought he deserved higher profile fights.
* Suggested that Obama get shot.
* Fired from another, much lower profile fight promotion.
* On probation for assaulting a guy with a group of buddies.
* Arrested for swinging at security at a gay club.

God speed, Mr. Machine. Don’t make too many friends in the slammer.