Posts Tagged ‘fat’

This holiday season I think it’s important to count our blessings and I witnessed something a few weeks back that made me believe in miracles.

The universe placed me in Wal Mart one lazy afternoon when I saw a “fight” of sorts. It was two brothers fighting in the checkout lane with snacks flying everywhere. What made this so special was that these kids were quite fat. They looked like miniature Brian Dennehys. If I saw something like this on TV I’d call it kitschy and contrived. “No way this would actually happen in real life! I call bunk!” I would surely exclaim to myself. I didn’t think it could get any better…but wait!

"Yeah, that's about right."

The battle of wills between the two seemed to be coming to an anticlimactic end, as the mother of these behemoths finished wedging a mouthful of Funyuns into her stomach and looked to be playing with the idea of parenting. My patience paid off when the Alpha Chub of the two used a tactic that only one with the most agile of girth can accomplish. He thrust his gut into the gut of the other, bouncing him off of a rack of delicious crunchy treats. Shocked and defeated, the belly bumpee slunk down by the tiny lint rollers and Salted Nut Rolls as the belly bumper furrowed his chubby little brow, and cocked his doughy fist back, waiting for the next move.

Fat kids brawling in between two snack racks, with the classic belly bump as the finishing move. Miracles happen. Happy holidays.

He was probably a lot cooler when he was a tub.

He was probably a lot cooler when he was a tub.

Don’t fool around with a man’s sandwich.
Subway needs to understand this. Too many times have I gone to Subway and witness some bored teen carelessly throw together my meal. Sometimes it didn’t even end up as a sandwich. It was more like someone threw all the proper ingredients to my desired product into a plastic bag. I could have eaten it with a damned spoon. Well no more!
One man in America has had enough of this sandwich perversion. Reginald Peterson ordered a simple sandwich. Spicy Italian. Peterson’s jaw dropped and the piece of sauceless sandwich surely rolled out when he discovered there was no Italian sauce on his sandwich. No italian sauce on his spicy Italian sandwich. Outraged, Peterson called authorities not once but twice, to insure that he was given the sandwich he ordered. What does this American hero get for trying to ensure the quality on the food ordered at this establishment? He gets arrested.
That fatty, Jared is probably laughing his jowls off.