Posts Tagged ‘weight’

Welcome back, friends.

As I was racking my brain (I honestly just searched for ‘is it wrack or rack?’ Results were inconclusive.) trying to think of new delicious content for my loyal fans (6 people have viewed this blog) to ingest, I asked myself “Mitch! What are you great at? Making poor diet decisions!”. Lucky for you, I recognize they’re bad decisions and I do it anyway. So by way of a bad example, I can give you tips on dieting!


Tip One!

Have you ever been enjoying a meal and you’re on God knows what helping and your pants get a little tight (Disregard any food boners)? So what do you do? You get up, put on looser pants, and you dive gullet first back into your bowl of cured meats and gravy. This brings us to tip number one. If you have to change your pants to continue eating, Stop Eating.

Where the FUCK is the Panda Express?


Tip B

This is something I’ve done, caught myself halfway through it, and said fuck it and did it anyway. You pop something in the microwave (Not even the oven. It’s not gonna take that long) and while you wait for the clock to slooooooowly tick down from the unreasonable 2 minutes that the side of the frozen burrito recommends, you make a snack. Some part of my brain says its cool to make a roast beef and 3rd Degree Burn Dorito sandwich on a hot dog bun while I wait for my frozen burrito to cook FOR TWO MINUTES! The tip is, you don’t need food to hold you over while you wait for a microwave. I know this sounds like common sense BUT YOU CAN’T ARGUE WITH RESULTS(results are inconclusive)!

Put This Goddamned Shit In Your Face! I Dare You!


And lastly but not last….

You know what’s garbage to eat. No vending machines. No sodas. Don’t order any food that you don’t actually have to turn your car off and stand up to eat. Common sense. Don’t listen to your brain when it says “Just ONE Jalapeno Popper sandwich with cheese sauce on the side couldn’t hurt.” You’ll tremble with the DT’s for a week and the satisfying sound of your spare tire screaming “DAMN YOU TO HELL!” is enough to pull you through. Now go take a dump and forget you ever read this.