MMA is the shit. Every time we watch a competition, it’s to scratch some primitive itch left over from cave dude times. We want to see what person or group of people is better at smashing another person or group. We literally get that with MMA and it’s couple with back story straight out of Best of the Best. It’s intriguing as fuck. But for you chumps that can’t get pumped the shit up, I’ve constructed this last minute post to make it clear why you should be pumped the shit up.
Rest in peace, Travis
<strong><font SIZE=”2″> TITO ORTIZ VS. FORREST GRIFFIN</strong></font>
As I was racking my brain (I honestly just searched for ‘is it wrack or rack?’ Results were inconclusive.) trying to think of new delicious content for my loyal fans (6 people have viewed this blog) to ingest, I asked myself “Mitch! What are you great at? Making poor diet decisions!”. Lucky for you, I recognize they’re bad decisions and I do it anyway. So by way of a bad example, I can give you tips on dieting!
Tip One!
Have you ever been enjoying a meal and you’re on God knows what helping and your pants get a little tight (Disregard any food boners)? So what do you do? You get up, put on looser pants, and you dive gullet first back into your bowl of cured meats and gravy. This brings us to tip number one. If you have to change your pants to continue eating, Stop Eating.
Where the FUCK is the Panda Express?
Tip B
This is something I’ve done, caught myself halfway through it, and said fuck it and did it anyway. You pop something in the microwave (Not even the oven. It’s not gonna take that long) and while you wait for the clock to slooooooowly tick down from the unreasonable 2 minutes that the side of the frozen burrito recommends, you make a snack. Some part of my brain says its cool to make a roast beef and 3rd Degree Burn Dorito sandwich on a hot dog bun while I wait for my frozen burrito to cook FOR TWO MINUTES! The tip is, you don’t need food to hold you over while you wait for a microwave. I know this sounds like common sense BUT YOU CAN’T ARGUE WITH RESULTS(results are inconclusive)!
Put This Goddamned Shit In Your Face! I Dare You!
And lastly but not last….
You know what’s garbage to eat. No vending machines. No sodas. Don’t order any food that you don’t actually have to turn your car off and stand up to eat. Common sense. Don’t listen to your brain when it says “Just ONE Jalapeno Popper sandwich with cheese sauce on the side couldn’t hurt.” You’ll tremble with the DT’s for a week and the satisfying sound of your spare tire screaming “DAMN YOU TO HELL!” is enough to pull you through. Now go take a dump and forget you ever read this.
This holiday season I think it’s important to count our blessings and I witnessed something a few weeks back that made me believe in miracles.
The universe placed me in Wal Mart one lazy afternoon when I saw a “fight” of sorts. It was two brothers fighting in the checkout lane with snacks flying everywhere. What made this so special was that these kids were quite fat. They looked like miniature Brian Dennehys. If I saw something like this on TV I’d call it kitschy and contrived. “No way this would actually happen in real life! I call bunk!” I would surely exclaim to myself. I didn’t think it could get any better…but wait!
"Yeah, that's about right."
The battle of wills between the two seemed to be coming to an anticlimactic end, as the mother of these behemoths finished wedging a mouthful of Funyuns into her stomach and looked to be playing with the idea of parenting. My patience paid off when the Alpha Chub of the two used a tactic that only one with the most agile of girth can accomplish. He thrust his gut into the gut of the other, bouncing him off of a rack of delicious crunchy treats. Shocked and defeated, the belly bumpee slunk down by the tiny lint rollers and Salted Nut Rolls as the belly bumper furrowed his chubby little brow, and cocked his doughy fist back, waiting for the next move.
Fat kids brawling in between two snack racks, with the classic belly bump as the finishing move. Miracles happen. Happy holidays.
Hello public,
After a lengthy hiatus, I’ve decided to return and regale you all with entries involving my interests.
Give it a read.
Spread the word.
Comment!
War Machine (yes that’s his legal name) already trashed his career. After making ridiculous comments about Evan Tanner’s death on his MySpace blog and refusing to fight Brandon Wolff (who Ben Saunders absolutely trounced), he was booted from the UFC. Then, surprisingly, he found work with Bellator Fighting Championships but the people just kept demanding more insightful posts! I mean with the election happening, who better to sort out this political shit storm than Mr. Machine. Long story short, he made some dumbass comments about President Obama (mainly that someone should “smoke” him) and then he was put out on his ass yet again. So what’s a War Machine to do? Hit up a gay club of course. War Machine decided to hit up a “straight friendly” gay club and ended up swinging at security after being escorted out for being a stupid person. Let’s go ahead and break everything down.
* Legally changed his name to War Machine so he could keep his nickname in the UFC. Was soon after fired.
* Made incredibly stupid assumptions about Evan Tanner, a man who left greater things than Koppenhaver floating in a toilet.
* Refused to fight Brandon Wolff because he thought he deserved higher profile fights.
* Suggested that Obama get shot.
* Fired from another, much lower profile fight promotion.
* On probation for assaulting a guy with a group of buddies.
* Arrested for swinging at security at a gay club.
God speed, Mr. Machine. Don’t make too many friends in the slammer.
Welcome to a new year, ladies and gents. Thought I’d pull the plastic wrap off of 09 with another edition of Brainmush Approved!
Doug Benson
You like movies, you say?
Doug Benson is probably high…right now. He is also one of the top comics around today. You may recognize him from VH1’s Best Week Ever. Punchline magazine (the only real legit comedy magazine) named his latest album “Professional Humoredian” the #1 comedy album of 2008 and on a less relevant note, he was named High Times 2006 Stoner of the Year. His new comedy central presents special premiered recently and he scored the number 4 spot in the Stand Up Showdown.
Benson also released the very interesting movie “Super High Me” where he abstains from marijuana for 30 days and then smokes for 30 days straight and logs the differences in his weight, SAT scores, and even psychic abilities (OooOoOOOOoooooh!). It’s worth a rent at the very least. It’s available in Netflix instant stream.
And if you don’t think that you have enough Benson in your craw after all of that, you’re in luck. Doug Benson has a hilarious podcast on the iTunes called “I Love Movies” where he shoots the shit with funny guests and talks movies. It’s completely free so stop fuckin around and give it a listen. Benson links below!
Arj Barker, Doug Benson, and Tony Camin doing The Marijuana-logues on Real Time with Bill Maher.
The Gus Chiggins Band
Left to right: Jake Coady(bass), Jeff Shinrock(vocals, guitar), Mike Upah(drums)
This is the Gus Chiggins Band and they aren’t fuckin around…well maybe just a little bit.
Before anything else, we need to dive skull first into the Gus Chiggins mythos.
Take a look at this sketch, starring Will Ferrell that didn’t see the light of day until The Best of Will Ferrell Volume 1 was released on dvd.
This band is based out of Cedar Rapids, Iowa and have adopted Gus Chiggins as their “mascot”. They don’t take themselves too seriously but they’re crammed full of talent and you’re guaranteed to have a good time at one of their shows. . So check out their page, add them as a friend, and let em know where you heard! Booyah!
Kimbo Slice isn’t the best heavyweight in the world and he’s not in danger of even being in the top ten. He never was. I kept hearing people talk about how Kimbo was unbeatable and how he’s a top fighter. This annoyed me to the point where I decided that I wasn’t a Kimbo fan. I disliked Kimbo until I asked myself why I dislike the man, Kevin “Kimbo Slice” Ferguson and I came up empty. Kimbo is a hard worker and a humble fighter. I’m not a fan of street fighting but I can’t get upset that it made him famous. He is all about being professional and he made sure to stress that when CBS tried to hype up the last minute shuffle in the card by comparing it to Kimbo’s old days of street fighting and throwing hands with whoever stepped up at the last minute.
Kimbo is just a victim of EliteXC’s incredible Hype Machine. It saw Kimbo and made him out to be unstoppable. With a status like that comes a lot of money and for a man trying to support a family, he can’t be blamed for utilizing such an opportunity but on the other side of the coin is the large amount of scrutiny. Whenever Kimbo doesn’t live up to his image of baddest mma fighter on the planet, most criticize.
As of Saturday, that facade has crumbled. Kimbo was set to fight Ken Shamrock who most would agree, should have bowed out a long time ago. Ken sustained an injury warming up and had to back out. In steps Seth Petruzelli. Petruzelli ended Kimbo’s night in 14 seconds by way of TKO. You may remember Petruzelli from season two of The Ultimate Fighter (but probably not). I had to slap my forehead when I heard that Kimbo was the heavy favorite.
Just to lay everything out on the line, here are the facts:
Kimbo’s first MMA win was against Bo Cantrell who has a record of 10-11. Before he lost to Kimbo, Cantrell was riding a 4 fight losing streak.
Next for Kimbo was the 43 year old David “Tank” Abott. Abott holds an MMA record of 9-14. Before Kimbo, Abott won 1 of his last 9 fights and was also riding a four fight losing streak.
After Tank was James Thompson who was arguably decent competition. He won 2 of his last 8 and was coming off of two losses. Thompson has a very questionable chin but he still beat down Kimbo in a very ugly back and forth battle that saw Dan Miragliotti stop the fight in the third round in favor of Kimbo. It was called a TKO and Thompson was still on his feet punching.
Then he was slated to fight Ken Shamrock who lost 8 of his last ten fights. His two victories were over MMA’s running gag Kimo Leopoldo and Sam Adkins who has a record of 7 wins with 20 losses.
Petruzelli hadn’t been fighting top competition either but he had a welth of experience over Kimbo. Petruzelli was 9-4 and was coming off of a TKO win. He fought UFC up and comers Matt Hamill and Wilson Gouveia.
In what world was Kimbo Slice favored to win this fight? I actually heard one of the commentators say “The most incredible win in the history of mixed martial arts!”
Really? Seriously? This is a sport scratching and clawing for legitimacy and YOU Elite XC are shitting all over it
I’m sifting through the bullshit so you don’t have to. Don’t hate on Kimbo. Don’t put him on a pedestal. If you’re a fan, keep an eye out but if he is to be a a fighter rather than a sideshow, he needs to escape the hype.
There’s a few people out there in the public eye that are about to blow up like a World of Warcraft Paladin’s forehead zits (deal with it). Check em out and remember who you heard it from.
Bobby Moynihan
Bobby Moynihan is a fresh recent player on Saturday Night Live and it’s already apparent that he is going to be a star. In every sketch he has been in, he has had big laughs, great deliveries, and has done a great job.
With Maya Rudolph playing hard to get and Amy Poehler getting K.U.ed (knocked up) and leaving, Saturday Night Live can’t afford to let a potential major player leave the show and Bobby Moynihan will surely be filling the gap that two tiny women left (you fatass).
Since NBC has Secret Police keeping their clips offline and Super Deluxe and WordPress refuse to play nice I have a classic video featuring Moynihan and your favorite bros. It’s Bro Rape by Derrick Comedy.
Wilson Gouveia and Kurt “Batman” Pellegrino
Wilson Gouveia (left) and Kurt Pellegrino (right)
Pellegrino and Gouveia have been nothing but impressive in their respective UFC runs. They both only have two losses (to top competition) in their UFC careers and have beat down top competition as well (Thiago Tavares and Jon Fitch for example). With Gouveia’s recent drop down to middleweight, we can hope to see him eventually fight the middleweight champ who is sure to still be Anderson Silva and Pellegrino is well on his way to being a main event fighter for his tough as nails fighting style and his incredible technique.
Kurt Pellegrino Highlight
Wilson Gouveia vs. Jon Fitch
Kings of Leon
Kings of Leon is made up of Caleb Followill (vocals, rhythm guitar), Jared Followill (bass), Matthew Followill (lead guitar), and Nathan Followill (drums) who happen to be three brothers and their cousin.
Kings of Leon have been around for about 5 years and are just recently clawing their way into the limelight with a recent performance on Saturday Night Live and their latest album “Only By The Night” and with a single like “Sex On Fire” it’s hard to not at least give em a chance.
Take a listen and prepare your gaskets to be blown.
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